NY 2023 - 10 Years Ago, I Broke Up With My Mother.
Part 4 - Emotional Incest and Going No Contact
Ronald Eugene Deets Jr. in ~ June 2008 at ~ 21 years old.
Part 4 - Emotional Incest and Going No Contact
Going "no contact" refers to a deliberate decision to cut off all communication and interaction with a person, often a family member or someone else who has been emotionally abusive or toxic. It's a strategy individuals might choose to protect their mental and emotional well-being from continued harm, manipulation, or distress caused by the other person.
For victims of emotional incest, going "no contact" can be an incredibly challenging but necessary step towards healing. Emotional incest often blurs boundaries and can lead to ongoing emotional distress and manipulation, making it difficult for the victim to establish their own identity and pursue healthy relationships.
Choosing to go "no contact" in cases of emotional incest can have both positive and challenging impacts on mental health:
Positive Impacts:
Establishing Boundaries: It allows the victim to set clear boundaries and distance themselves from the unhealthy emotional entanglement created by the emotional incestuous relationship.
Emotional Healing: Removing the constant emotional triggers and manipulative behaviors of the perpetrator can promote healing and emotional stability.
Regaining Autonomy: It provides an opportunity for the victim to reclaim their autonomy and work towards building a sense of self separate from the toxic dynamics.
Challenging Impacts:
Guilt and Emotional Turmoil: Victims might grapple with guilt, conflicting emotions, or a sense of obligation to maintain the relationship, leading to emotional distress.
Loss and Grief: Cutting off contact can result in a sense of loss, especially if the relationship was complex and held positive elements alongside the negative aspects.
Isolation and Lack of Support: Going "no contact" might lead to feelings of isolation, especially if the perpetrator was a significant figure in the victim's life, potentially affecting their support system.
Seeking support from mental health professionals, support groups, or trusted individuals is crucial during this process. Therapy can help victims of emotional incest navigate the emotional challenges of going "no contact," process feelings of guilt or grief, and develop healthy coping mechanisms to rebuild their lives and establish healthier relationships moving forward.
Deets Going No Contact
The following is a rephrased copy (with potentially identifying variables removed) of the final message I sent to my birther when I decided to go no contact:
I've been doing some serious thinking lately, and there's something I really need to talk about. It's not an easy conversation, but it's been weighing on me for a while. It's taken significant reflection to articulate these thoughts, to sift through memories tainted by emotional turmoil and manipulation.
From the earliest days of my existence, I found myself engulfed in a role I never chose. You, as my mother, were supposed to provide nurturing care, fostering growth and independence. Yet, from my very birth, I became your emotional crutch, a surrogate spouse entangled in your unresolved traumas. You never concealed the fact that my arrival coincided with your resurfacing memories of abuse—a heavy burden for an innocent infant to bear.
I remember vividly those counseling sessions, where, at an age when most children are learning to play and explore, I was thrust into the tumultuous realm of adult emotions. What kind of mother relies on her young child to navigate such delicate, soul-wrenching memories?
Ronald Eugene Deets Jr. at ~14 months in ~1987-1988. Not long after I would feel like my entire life was in a cage.
As I grew, it became apparent that my role in our family wasn't that of a son but rather a stand-in for the emotional support you sought. Whenever conflicts with Dad arose, it wasn't my sisters or other adults you turned to for validation. It was me, an under-ten-year-old, expected to provide the solace and reassurance you sought.
I recall that moment with Grandpa, when his words cut through the suffocating web of codependency you'd woven. He recognized the wrongness of your reliance on me, but instead of seeking objective advice, 24you turned to the person you'd molded me to be—someone who always put your emotional needs first.
That was just the beginning of a pattern. You managed to shape my perspective on everything, including my relationship with Dad. You monopolized my perceptions, robbing me of the opportunity to form my own opinions.
But your influence didn't stop there. Discovering your attempt to initiate a divorce in 1995, only to relent and subject us to six more years of a toxic environment, was a revelation. You knew it was poisonous, yet you chose to subject me to its toxicity for years on end.
And then came Dad's passing. For years, I believed the story—how we found out together. But that wasn't the truth, was it? No, you learned of his death earlier, and instead of being the mother you should have been, you made a 14-year-old girl, my girlfriend at the time, deliver the gut-wrenching news. Who does that to a teenager, burdening her with a weight she carried for years?
Even when I made strides academically and in life, your lens distorted my achievements. Despite earning my GED and excelling academically even after dropping out after sophomore year after Dad’s death, I remained a delinquent in your eyes. You employed religious manipulation, coercing me into a Bible "college" with promises of a sole opportunity, further steering me astray into a year of torment.
While I endured that ordeal, you moved into my sister's place, essentially rendering me homeless. You even transferred your financial burdens onto me, making a 19-year-old feel responsible for your debts.
When I invited you to my wedding, you prioritized babysitting (just to find out years later that even that was a lie) over witnessing your son's marriage, choosing absence on a day most mothers hold dear. When rumors circulated, suggesting I eloped due to a pregnancy, did you step up to defend me? No, you remained silent.
And when my marriage became a battleground, I lacked the self-esteem to break free. Due to your encouragement for me to quit things during childhood, you ingrained in me a feeling of inadequacy that hindered my ability to leave an abusive relationship. And in that dire state, you ensured I knew I was still responsible for you, three hours away.
Ronald Eugene Deets Jr. at ~16 years in ~2002.
Through the struggles and accomplishments, you consistently painted me as inadequate. And when I found solace and potential happiness, your cynicism snuffed it out. You doubted my choices, dismissed my growth, and refused to support me.
Mom, the impact of your actions on my emotional and social development has been profound. I missed out on childhood joys, stunted by your emotional needs and the toxic environment at home. Establishing trust, forging friendships, or even leaving the house became daunting tasks.
This message isn't an attempt to vilify you, but rather to reclaim my life, to break free from the web of manipulation and emotional entanglement. For my own sanity and future, I need to sever these ties. Please understand that this decision isn't impulsive; it's a step towards healing and regaining control over my life.
I've realized that I can't rebuild myself with you constantly tugging at the threads. I'm taking the difficult but necessary step of going no contact. I've involved my sisters in this message, not to sow discord, but to ensure they comprehend my reasons.
Please respect my decision, and I hope you find peace and resolution in your own journey.
This kid wanted to kill himself. Ronald Eugene Deets Jr at ~8 years old in ~1994.
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